How to Overcome Communication Issues In Relationships
Part 1
How To Be Mindful While In Communication with Others and How to Be Better Listeners.
Communication is a means by which we exchange information. For example, it helps us relay our needs, express our feelings, and share ideas. We accomplish this by verbal, nonverbal, and paraverbal efforts. Our verbal messages are what we actually say. This includes the particular words we choose to share as well as how we arrange them. Our body language, which can be communicated from the entire body, comprises our nonverbal messages. The way you sit, stand, how you might be turned directionally, your arms or legs being crossed, the expression on your face, the tilt of your head, these examples and more also help us to communicate information to the receiving party. Paraverbal messages are expressed through tone of voice, how quickly or slowly we speak, and the volume at which we share our chosen words. Knowing these components of communication can help us be more mindful of how we exchange information within our interpersonal relationships.
When we are in conversation with another person, for example, we can be confident that we pay attention to their verbal, nonverbal, and paraverbal expressions because we rely on these forms of communication to help interpret the message they send. But how much do we pay attention to our own? Think back to a recent conversation you may have had wherein the other person felt hurt by the tone with which you spoke to them, or the words you chose, or the positioning of your body. Was it intentional? If not, how could that conversation have been different had you been more aware of these parts of your communication? By being more aware of ourselves, we can enhance our ability to communicate with others to ensure we are doing so effectively.
Other ways to enhance communication are through active listening skills. When we engage in active listening, we are making a conscious effort to listen to hear what the other person is saying rather than listening to respond. When we use this skill, our focus is on the other person to fully hear and understand what they are communicating to us. We can confirm we understand them correctly by reflecting back to them what we heard. Sometimes this can come across as parroting, so the distinction is to paraphrase instead of repeat. Another important note for active listening is to refrain from interrupting and take a nonjudgmental approach to hearing the other person. Remember: listen to hear, not to respond.
Remember: listen to hear, not to respond.
You might be wondering what this looks like in real life. Sounds good in theory, but how does it work, right? Well, let’s say you are talking with a friend who is about to move out of state. This friend shares, “I’m so excited for this opportunity! I think it’s going to work out really well for me.” Your friend verbally sounds excited, nonverbally appears excited by the way they lean towards you with a beaming smile, and the tilt of their voice increases to a slightly higher volume. You reply, “You are really thrilled about this new adventure! I am so happy for you!” Your words and tone convey a verbal and paraverbal message of reflected (cue active listening) excitement, but it doesn’t quite translate to your facial expression (nonverbal). Your friend responds with a questioning laugh, “Are you sure? Because your eyes are telling a different story.”
In this exchange, we can see how the verbal, nonverbal, and paraverbal messages are exchanged. When we are not consciously aware of how our messages are being shared, the other party can interpret something differently. After your friend acknowledges the difference between your words and your expression, you might laugh, drop your head downwards, and reply, “Oh, yes! I am very happy for you! Just sad for me because I’ll miss you!”
So far, we’ve covered how to be mindful while in communication with others and how to be better listeners. In Part 2, we’ll cover how we can effectively communicate as the speaker. Communication is essential to any healthy relationship. If you are interested in learning how you can enhance your communication, whether solo or with a partner, reach out today. One of our therapists in your area can meet for individual or couple/family sessions. We would love to help you feel more knowledgeable, capable, and empowered in your communication skills!
Part 2
When One Engages in Assertive Communication, They Allow Their Needs, Wants, Opinions, and Feelings To Be Expressed While Also Expressing Respect and Appreciation for Those of the Other Party. Assertive Communication Helps Us to Form Deeper, More Meaningful Relationships, While the Other Forms Impede It.
In the last section, we learned what communication is, the various parts of communication, the way these parts interact to aid in how messages are sent and received, as well as how to enhance our listening skills. The next step we take in learning how to enhance communication will focus on the speaker's role. We will cover different types of communication we can present as the speaker before learning what it means to hold the speaker role and how to best utilize the time to talk.
Passiveness, aggressiveness, passive-aggressiveness, and assertiveness are types of communication we can engage in within interactions. Passive communication occurs when we avoid expressing our own needs, wants, opinions, and feelings in order to prioritize those of the other party. The opposite of this type is aggressive communication, where one expresses that only their needs, wants, opinions, and feelings matter in the discussion to the point where the other party is completely disregarded. When these two types of communication combine, it leads to passive-aggressive communication. Passive-aggressiveness appears by one overtly expressing the aforementioned passiveness while subtly expressing aggressiveness. Lastly, a healthier way to communicate is through assertiveness. When one engages in assertive communication, they allow their needs, wants, opinions, and feelings to be expressed while also expressing respect and appreciation for those of the other party. Assertive communication helps us to form deeper, more meaningful relationships, while the other forms impede it.
Another easy misstep we can take when communicating with others, especially when confronting an issue, is to assume we know what the other person thinks. There’s an old adage about assuming…kidding! In reality, when we keep the focus on our own person, experiences, and feelings, we avoid escalating the situation and applying incorrect attributes, thoughts, and feelings to the other person. One of the ways we can effectively circumvent our mind-reading tendencies and keep the focus on ourselves is by utilizing I-Statements. These brief messages assist us in conveying what is needed in a succinct and straightforward way without triggering the defenses of the other person. I-Statements begin with how the speaker feels when a certain behavior took place by the listener, why this matters to the speaker in the way it impacted them, followed by what the speaker needs instead.
Again, it is important to be mindful of our choice of words (verbal message) and the tone (paraverbal message) we use. These are just as important to remember when using I-Statements because they can still be expressed in an accusatory way. For example, an expression may sound like: “I hate it when you don’t fill the car with gas after using it.” The speaker is trying to use feeling words, but it’s still a bit harsh in the presentation, whereas a statement that sounds like: “I feel unappreciated when you don’t take the time to fill the car with gas after using it. This makes me run late for work when I have to stop for fuel. Next time, please top off the gas when you’re done using the car.” It can be a little odd getting used to I-Statements since we don’t phrase things like this normally. However, a little practice is all it takes to enhance your communication with clear and non-accusatory messages.
You are literally rewiring your brain, so at first it might be strange when you apply these skills. Although that sounds like a feat, it’s not impossible. If you would like help or simply a safe place to explore how to enhance your communication skills, reach out to one of our therapists in your area. It doesn’t have to feel daunting - or even be a daunting task - and you absolutely don’t have to do it alone!
Part 3
Criticism and Contempt Arise In Communication. It Is Important To Look At Communication Patterns To Find Where We Can Improve In Expressing Ourselves To Others.
Thus far, we’ve covered the components of communication and how we can enhance our listening skills, as well as how we can enhance our speaking skills and what this looks like if we are not clearly expressing ourselves or creating room for others. Hopefully, by now, you are feeling more in-the-know on communication and have even tried applying some of what we’ve discussed. Let’s take it a step further… Odds are, you have at least heard of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—they’re referenced in the New Testament as the bearers of the end times. Have you ever heard of John Gottman and the Gottman Institute’s version of The Four Horsemen, though? They use the imagery of the Four Horsemen to describe styles of communication that not only impede relationships but can have highly damaging effects. Based on Gottman’s research, they can accurately predict the end of a relationship based on these “Four Horsemen” existing within relational communication. Let’s dive into those impediments to learn more about what they look like and how they negatively impact relationships.
The Four Horsemen, as described by The Gottman Institute, are Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling (Lisitsa, n.d). When we engage in criticisms of our partner, we are essentially using our words as weapons to attack their character. Criticism sounds like “You never take out the trash! You’re lazy and you don’t care about helping around the house!” These remarks set out to tear apart, whereas what is needed, and is most helpful, is to communicate a complaint or critique about an issue that expresses a need. According to Lisitsa (n.d.), while criticism is normal and your relationship is not doomed if present, what happens is that “when it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other, far deadlier horsemen to follow.”
Contempt is the second horseman —and also the biggest predictor of divorce. When we approach our partner in a contemptuous way, we are assuming a position of superiority over them, be it morally, ethically, or characterologically (Lisitsa, n.d.). Our verbal and paraverbal communication is disrespectful, mocking, full of ridicule and name calling and the nonverbal communication can be eye-rolling, scoffing, and mimicking our partner. Perhaps you’ve said aloud something like “you’re such an idiot” while rolling your eyes at your partner. Oftentimes, this leaves our partner feeling despicable and unworthy, which is the precise goal of contempt. This form of communication is fueled by long-held negative sentiments of our partner and sets out to attack their sense of self because our partner thinks they disgust us, and we view them as beneath us.
Clearly, criticism and contempt are the two horsemen whose goals are to attack partners. The next two horsemen are what happens when criticism and contempt arise in communication. Defensiveness, the third horseman, is an act of self-preservation that stems from a need to avoid an attack or challenge. It comes across as excuses, acting like the victim within the situation, and goes so far as to divert blame to the one expressing criticism. The last horseman is stonewalling, where one member of the conversation actively shuts down and ignores the other person. This is a typical response to contempt that is being expressed by the other person and can produce what is referred to as “flooding” in our partner (Lisitsa, n.d.).
Take a moment to think back on your interactions within your relationship. Can you identify the presence of any of the four horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling)? Are all four present in your interactions? If any or all are present, be mindful of when they occur and try to refrain from engaging in these behaviors. Next time, we’ll discuss what it looks like to make repairs when these communication styles appear in your interactions with your partner. If you want to get a head start on identifying and/or taming the four horsemen in your relationship, reach out to one of our therapists in your area today!
Part 4
Learn To Create A Sense of “Us Against the Problem” Rather Than A “Me Against You” Mentality!
At this point, you might be ready to move on from communication, and we’ll definitely get there, but one more round is due before switching topics. Feel free to look back on Parts 1, 2, and 3 if needed, but for now, we are going to wrap up in Part 4. If you’ll recall, we covered The Four Horsemen according to the Gottman Institute, which describes criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as they occur within relationships. Let’s now turn our attention to addressing how to repair these culprits as they appear in communication.
First up, criticism: the weaponized attack on our partner’s character. If this Horseman shows up, you can repair this behavior by describing your feelings. So, instead of saying “You’re lazy and you never help out!”, try to rephrase it with how you feel. For example, “It frustrates me when you don’t take out the trash because I thought we had agreed on who is responsible for what chores. I really need help around the house, please.” By utilizing the previously learned I-Statements, we effectively create what The Gottman Institute calls a softened start-up (Lisitsa, n.d.). These softened start-ups take away the corrosive blame, negativity, and judgment to promote positive expressions of needs.
Next is contempt: the priggish attack that is mean, disrespectful, full of mockery and ridicule. Those scoffing remarks with the hard eye rolls of disgust are detrimental to the point that this horseman is easily the greatest predictor of divorce. How then does one address this horseman to repair it? The easiest step is to utilize the aforementioned softened start-up so that you can effectively express your needs and desires. Then, allow yourself to focus on the friendship within the relationship itself by building mutual fondness & admiration with one another (Lisitsa, n.d.). Fondness is a description of affection and liking one another, whereas admiration is a feeling of respect and warm regard for your partner. This may sound a lot like sharing what you enjoy about your partner and your appreciation for what they do and who they are as a person. Building mutual fondness & admiration helps to overcome the negative sentiment that pervades the relationship when contempt is present.
Don’t they say the best offense is a better defense? While that might apply to sports, it definitely isn’t helpful in the field of relationships. In relationships, think of defensiveness as the lineman ready to push back against criticisms with excuses or a goalie blocking it by diverting the blame back to the kicker. None of these images produce a picture of a loving, peaceful interaction. Might this be how it feels when these horsemen show up in your relationship? Rather than strap on those defensive pads, take a step back and allow yourself to accept responsibility for what’s happened. Identify your role in the conflict, acknowledge what went wrong, and how it affected your partner. Then you will be able to work together as a team to change the situation.
Do you find yourself shutting down and disengaging with your partner? If so, you’re likely experiencing stonewalling, which is a typical reaction of becoming unresponsive, especially when expressions of contempt are being hurled at you. This unhelpful coping skill is typically employed when we feel emotionally flooded and overwhelmed. A healthier way of coping in these situations is to intentionally disengage from the situation by requesting a time-out. This time away will allow you (and your partner) to self-soothe and reset to return to the conversation with a more productive and engaged presence. It’s important to remember to not ruminate but rather engage in activities that are calming during the time-out.
The Four Horsemen are unhealthy and unhelpful for relationships, but they don’t have to be persistent. By applying the aforementioned skills to overcome criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, you can create a sense of “us against the problem” rather than a “me against you” mentality. And, if we’re being honest, it feels good when we know our person has our back while we have theirs. If you’re interested in learning how to improve these skills in your relationship, reach out to connect with one of our therapists in your area!
Resources
Lisitsa, E. (n.d.). The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. In The Gottman Institute: A Research-Based Approach To Relationships. Retrieved from
The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, & Stonewalling (https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/)
Lisitsa, E. (n.d.). The Four Horsemen: Criticism. In The Gottman Institute: A Research-Based Approach To Relationships. Retrieved from
The Four Horsemen: Criticism (https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-criticism/)
Lisitsa, E. (n.d.). The Four Horsemen: Contempt. In The Gottman Institute: A Research-Based Approach To Relationships. Retrieved from
The Four Horsemen: Contempt | The Gottman Institute (https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/)